leaving

When I was 3
A great-grandma left for a place I couldn't understand
She left behind a quilt with red flowers
and an understanding of 'not coming back'
that settled on my heart
light as cotton wisps
 
When I was 8
My best friend left for China
She left secrets and whispers and letters
that said everything but what they meant
A soft kind of lonely
gentle as satin thread
wrapped around my heart

When I was 13 
A family friend left for prison
He left behind confusion and broken promises
The hurt behind lies and the shame behind the weight of action
Mistrust, like rough baler twine coiled around my heart
the knots biting deep in tender places

When I was 16 
My cousin left for heaven
He left behind
a trail of twisted metal and shattered glass
along the ditch bank of a country road

Dark scars on the tree that took the impact of his truck

A vacuum of emptiness where he should have been

And a pain laced so heavy with fear
that none of us could carry it 

grief is like barbed wire
tightening around your heart
shredding everything in you
and lacerating every thought
leaving every nerve screaming

Without even a full year of waiting
My teacher left 
For a reason no one knows
He left behind a catalyst
that constricted every cord ever wound around my heart
and opened every cut and burn I thought healed
only to find them raw
festering  
and so sore 
a gentle touch
is tearing pain
 
Love is strong
stronger than death
stronger than hell

But a heart?
a heart is fragile 
so fragile
I don't know how it can live past 18